Keyvan Nayyeri

I hope it was as easy as the title but it’s not!

Today was the last working day of my military service and somehow unofficially it ended today. Actually it officially ends on 23rd October but I have taken these last few weeks off. This was a mandatory military service that had begun almost 19.5 months ago in February 2007 with two months training in a military camp and continued by serving in a semi-military organization as a software developer and support guru working with very amateur guys. Even though I didn’t want to bother you with many details about this service and tried to give some summaries about the service on a two months basis, there were many aggravating points about it that were neglected by me to be public!

Now at the end point there are many many things that I can write, but they’re annoying enough to stop me from writing! In the past a few days I didn’t have a good feeling and was deeply sad mostly because of believing the number of opportunities and more importantly the amount of invaluable time that I missed!

Lately people were greeting me with happiness hearing about the end of the service but my response is solid: not only I’m not happy but also I’m so sad about this! Actually this isn’t something that mandates greetings and happiness because we should greet someone for something that he has achieved by attempts or chance. I’m at this point with neither and just with wasting the best times of my life! When I started the service I was 22 and now I’m very close to 24 and in the best form this service has directly affected my life until 25 and will indirectly affects it forever! Yesterday I was watching my face in a mirror and noticed that over 1/5 of my hairs turned white and my face is distorted! Prior to the service, everybody told me that I look younger than my age and now they say the reverse statement!

Three years of young-hood for someone like me who is very sensitive about the time, is a tragedy! Caring much about time is not necessarily something positive because I experienced that it’s just a negative manner that adds nothing to your life except continuous attempts to achieve your perfect case and you never can achieve it! This just stops you from having fun and enjoying your time, so I need to leave this manner as soon as possible! Most likely I’ll fix an appointment with a psychologist hoping I can stop deterioration of my mental position after these difficult years! Unfortunately it’s not possible to forget what has happened in the past and it’s not also possible to simply disregard these years and come back to the normal life, as I wrote in the introductory sentence of the post!

In these 20 months I actively dedicated all my time and effort to reduce the negative effects of the service and withstand all the difficulties. I think that I did a great job in this way and could do much, much more than whatever than others could do when they were serving in the armies in the country, but to be honest, I also think that this government could achieve its dirty goals with this military service for me. Behind the scenes, they have other goals than military stuff and writing about them has been a long time task for my blog since the beginning of the service! However, I think that at the end I lost much although it wasn’t evadable anymore!

All in all, this tragedy is gone, and I need to revitalize myself from this situation. After this, I should choose lower goals for myself in the future as the future is now much closer than before to me without a good progress ahead, and I owe this to this country and government! Down with …! I’ll speak it loudly someday, be sure!

After all, I think that there is only one thing that I really require and it is fortune! So far I experienced that I haven’t had a good chance in my life and always had to try hard to achieve something. I often try as twice as others to achieve a goal and always have deserved to have it. I have other parameters very well and to be honest, this is less than 10% of the success and the rest is a good chance. I may have a write up about chance and its importance in the success in the future but I can surely say that I never had a good fortune to help me succeed in an upper level and faster! Therefore, I just can hope that things turn out to be better and I can draw a better future with a better fortune as it’s completely outside of my power! It’s been quite a long while that I haven’t had any achievement or haven’t heard any good news that really makes me happy!

Beginning from tomorrow I have a very busy schedule ahead to organize some important tasks and complete my delayed projects. At the moment, I’m just putting a priority on these tasks and on treating my mental position! I have an eye on 2009 strongly hoping that God takes a look at me and maybe helps me like others!

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life